THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If rape or arson, poison,
or the knife
Has wove no pleasing patterns in the stuff
Of this drab canvas we accept as life—
It is because we are not bold enough!
—Baudelaire
Kevin
Michael Grace, 10.32 p.m., June 30, 2003 [Link]
THE REPORT: THE
MOVIE
My cursory cast of characters for The Report
movie received a greater than expected response. Several
former staffers were irked at being left out. Others
disputed my choices. One former colleague (who shall
remain anonymous) thought Billy Zane should play Chris
Champion. Chris Champion said he would prefer Heath
Ledger. David Janes, who calls Philip Seymour Hoffman a
"gooey-faced mook," tapped
Jack Black to play Colby Cosh. No, I
don’t think so. Black is as lithe as a ballet dancer;
he wouldn’t do for Cosh. I chose PSH to reflect the
shy, unassuming nature Colby contrives to hide behind
his blustering front. (Don’t laugh; it’s true.)
As I feared, once I started I couldn’t stop.
Consultation with imdb.com
and Google resulted in the full cast list below. It was
harder than you might think, especially as so many of
those I’ve worked with manifest the same body type:
endomorphic and hirsute with it. The selections are
based as much on character as physical resemblance. I
tried to avoid the cheap laugh.
Rick Bell Stephen Tobolowsky
Robin Brunet Lee Arenberg
Paul Bunner David Strathairn
Joanne Byfield Bonnie Hunt
Link Byfield Will Patton
Mike Byfield Dylan Baker
Philippa Byfield Catherine O’Hara
Ted Byfield Darren McGavin
Tom Byfield Luis Guzmán
Vince Byfield Alan Cumming
Virginia Byfield Eileen Brennan
Chris Champion Matt Damon
Colby Cosh Philip Seymour Hoffman
Dave Cunningham Craig Bierko
Kevin Michael Grace William H. Macy
Lorne Gunter George Dzundza
Rick Hiebert Jared Harris
Mike Jenkinson Matthew Broderick
Terry Johnson Jason Lee
Marnie Ko Robin Tunney
Ezra Levant Johnny Galecki
Jeremy Lott Breckin Meyer
Don McCallum Josef Sommer
Celeste McGovern Jane Adams
Candis McLean Laurie Metcalf
Ilana Mercer Rena Sofer
Terry O’Neill Gary Cole
Victor Olivier Dean Stockwell
Shafer Parker Jr. Tim Blake Nelson
Davis Sheremata Chris Eigeman
Chris Serres William Fichtner
Kevin Steel Stephen Lang
Dave Stevens Enrico Colantoni
Kelly Jane Torrance Reese Witherspoon
Peter Verburg Viggo Mortensen
Ken Whyte John Heard
Joe Woodard Ricky Jay
Speaking of Kelly
Jane Torrance, she made her acting debut
last night during Larry King Live. She appeared
in a commercial for the Center
for Consumer Freedom, her new employer.
She’s the red-haired woman in the purple shirt behind
and to the left of the shyster lawyer. You can view the
ad here.
Careers have been built on less than the compelling
darting of her eyes.
Kevin
Michael Grace, 2.30 a.m., June 27, 2003 [Link]
THE HORSE WHISPERER
Received the following communication tonight from a
former BC Report staffer, laid off in 1999
shortly before the final purge.
Dear Gomez;
I want to take the
opportunity on this extraordinary week to sincerely
thank you, Jeremy Lott, Colby Cosh, Kevin Steel and Rick
Hiebert for providing me with countless hours of
entertainment via your blogs.
For some time now I have
been printing your ramblings to share with much younger
friends in this neck of the woods—to show them to what
extent hubris, spite and an entirely delusional opinion
of one’s self worth can reduce people to. Your bitter
observations regarding politics, pop culture and modern
mores are amusing taken individually, but they assume
even greater entertainment value—for my young friends
and also for the hard-working adults of my acquaintance,
come to think of it—when one realizes what pathetic
lives you have carved for yourselves.
I wish I had your grasp of
words, your cunning turn of phrase, your keen wit, to
describe how utterly hilarious it is for I and people
like me (that is, the gainfully employed thanks to sheer
guts and determination) to read how you, Cosh, etc are
now begging for money as shamelessly as the welfare
bums, ex-government whiners, single mothers and sundry
deadbeats you so relished applying your poison pens to
up until recently.
An ex-BC Report
‘hack’ (you guys love that word, don’t you—makes
you feel in your weblog domain that you are seasoned
journalists. What next: ‘newshounds’??) asked me
today: "Does it ever occur to any of those
basement-dwellers to open the classifieds and start
looking for jobs? After all, they are completely
unemployable in the journalism field—time to consider
new venues of employment." To which I replied:
"They are too full of themselves and too busy
wanking each other off in cyberspace."
Ah well, while it is always
amusing to follow the brain-farts of complete losers, it
is also distressing to realize that a whole new crop of
beggars spanning several generations are knocking on the
rest of the world’s door. You do realize, of course,
that your behavior discredits any further observations
you may have on the woes of society? No? Didn’t think
so, frankly. You’re all too busy maintaining your
circle-jerk.
If I were of a less
sarcastic and more helpful mode, I would suggest that
you all wipe your noses, collect your wits, shut up,
grow up and join the rest of society (pssst! Gomez and
company! Your web logs have no use in the real world! No
redeeming value! Just thought you might want to know!).
But then, cyberspace, she
is a comforting narcotic, no?
Your faithful reader,
Robin
Brunet
Dear Rob:
Last time I saw you, four years ago, you were
brandishing a cutting tool, muttering darkly of revenge
and conspiring to spike Terry O’Neill’s coffee with
LSD. Glad to see the intervening years have not dulled
your "edge." Mind your meds, buddy.
Your friend,
Kevin Grace
Kevin
Michael Grace, 8.55 p.m., June 25, 2003 [Link]
DESTITUTION UPDATE
Before anyone accuses me of a pathetic inability to
"let go psychologically," I should mention
that I have a considerable pecuniary interest in the demise
of the Report magazine. After eight years of
full-time employment (including two relocations), I was
fired "without cause" March 10. The magazine
offered four months severance. After I hired a lawyer,
the magazine contracted to increase my severance to six
months.
Will I be paid? Who knows—certainly not me. My June
20 paycheque arrived Monday, three days late. Persistent
(and increasingly frantic) attempts to contact the
accounting department regarding the rest of my severance
(and a $720 freelance payment due June 20) have been
unavailing. Current status of eviction: likely.
Several kind readers have suggested I put a PayPal
button on this site. I will, today if possible, but the
efficacy of this measure is doubtful. After a strong
start last autumn, The Ambler has become barely
ambulatory, and I have few readers left. Nobody's fault
but my own, of course.
I actually have a good excuse for not posting since
Monday; I have been busy compiling data to assist those
that would hazard an effort to resurrect the Report
or launch a successor magazine. Current status of this
effort: not a million miles distant from Reg
Dunlop's effort to save the Charlestown
Chiefs. Like Reg, however, I maintain a "positive
attitude."
I remain resolutely unimpressed by Old Media coverage
of the demise. Maunderings
about the fabled Byfield clan do not explain how a
magazine with 65,000 subscribers (at $92 a year) four
years ago and a puny annual operating deficit of
$300,000 as recently as September 2002 could expire nine
months later. The best news story (not merely because it
quoted me) was by Jason Markusoff in the June 24 Edmonton
Journal (sorry, no link), but one notices the
curious absence of the name Kevin
Avram there. The best analysis was by my
friend and former colleague Lorne Gunter, again in the Journal,
today. (Sorry, no link.) Lorne chose to ignore the
business side, but he is absolutely correct in his
assertions that people of influence stopped reading the Report
years ago and that they did so because of an utter
collapse of editorial standards.
Out here in the blogo------, my friend and former
colleague Rick
Hiebert has provided a useful digest of
obituaries. MFAFC Jeremy
Lott has made several incursions into the
Report's cadaver but knows much more than he's
been willing to say. MFsAFCs Kevin
Steel and Colby
Cosh know much, much more than they've
been willing to say.
Young Master Lott has pressed me to write a memoir or
roman à clef of the years I took the Byfields's
shilling. It would be called Chesterton's Bastards
(both Colby and MFAFC Davis Sheremata claim provenance
of this title). Perhaps some other time, but
here's a taste—how well I remember the
"hilarity" that ensued after the staff
discovered that the magazine's janitor was being paid
more than several of its reporters. This story is even
funnier if you know who the janitor was. Oh, and if I
ever pen a film "treatment," I would strongly
recommend that the producers cast Jeremy Piven or Jason
Lee for the Terry Johnson character. Michael Richards
would be perfect, but he's probably too old. Which
reminds me, Darren McGavin = Ted Byfield. Philip Seymour
Hoffman = Colby Cosh. Jane Adams = Celeste McGovern.
Matt Damon = Chris Champion. Kevin Michael Grace?
William H. Macy, of course. Oh dear, now I can't stop...
So what killed the Report? Editorial
lassitude, managerial incompetence, the disastrous
intervention of Kevin Avram, among other things. But it
certainly wasn't dat ol' debbil "social
conservatism." It was the singers, not the song.
More on this soon.
Kevin
Michael Grace, 7.39 a.m., June 25, 2003 [Link]
EVERYDAY IS LIKE SUNDAY
Not for much longer, though. There are several
reasons for my neglect of this space. Indolence
propagates itself, I recall reading somewhere. More
important is that I didn’t feel up to posting anything
until my condition improved. Well, things have got
worse, and they are likely to get much, much worse real
soon now. So gather my rosebuds while ye may.
Duncan Thorne’s Edmonton Journal story
about the Citizens Centre Report has certainly
set the cat among the pigeons. This pigeon is one of
those who lives from "paycheque to paycheque";
unfortunately, his spiritual development is insufficient
for him to live on manna from Heaven. He was supposed to
receive two paycheques on Friday: one salary, the other
freelance, both from the same source. Neither arrived,
despite contractual obligation. He has been assured that
one will arrive sometime this week, but the absence of
the other has resulted already in a bounced loan payment
cheque. The rumoured cessation of future paycheques
would result almost certainly in eviction, followed by
destitution and the dispersal of his family.
But all is not doom and gloom. No sirree. There
remains the life of the mind, with all its attendant
joys. For example, did you know that
Charlottesville—located on the Rivanna River, nested
in the heart of Virginia’s Piedmont country—is famed
for more than Jefferson’s University
of Virginia? A "must-see" for
visitors is the Historic
Downtown Mall, "a vibrant collection
of more than 120 shops and 30 restaurants housed in the
historic buildings on and around old Main Street
Charlottesville. Enjoy dining at a number of fine
restaurants, shop the unique boutiques, screen a new
movie, or simply relax and take the chill off with a hot
coffee or tea in one of the speciality coffee
shops."
And then there’s the Fridays
After Five concert series, which plays
host to "many ‘big-name’ regional and national
acts." It’s been voted "Best Place to be
Seen, Best Concert, and the Best Singles Event"
[!!] by the readers of c-ville
(Charlottesville’s "news and arts weekly").
Last year’s mystery guest was the (deservedly)
ever-popular Eddie
Money, while July 18 boasts an appearance
by up-and-comers Johnny
Sportcoat. There’s regularly scheduled
service from the nation’s capital via United
Airlines, but why not skip the post 9/11
airport hassle and take US-15 instead—two and a
quarter of the most scenic hours you’ll ever drive.
Virginia is for lovers, and there’s nothing
more romantic than Charlottesville’s University to
Downtown trolley service. (It’s free!)
All aboard! (And don’t forget a bag of famous Piedmont
apples
for the drive home!)
